


hold me down, I'm so tired now

by SugarFey



Series: The Sky Is Here For Both Of Us [3]
Category: The Expanse (TV)
Genre: F/F, Scars, mentions of PTSD and past trauma and abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-09
Updated: 2018-10-09
Packaged: 2019-07-28 15:05:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16244135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SugarFey/pseuds/SugarFey
Summary: She doesn’t know how to say that this whole thing with Naomi leaves her feeling like she’s stuck in zero-g without straps or mag boots, trying to navigate the shifting walls.The hardest part is what comes next.





	hold me down, I'm so tired now

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [but tonight we'll stay awhile](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16166000) by [SugarFey](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SugarFey/pseuds/SugarFey). 



> So now this evolved into a little series of sorts. This is continuation of the story that began in 'time goes quicker between the two of us' and 'but tonight we'll stay awhile," but it can easily be read as a standalone.
> 
> This is unbeta'd, so all mistakes are my own.
> 
> Warning: Brief mentions of PTSD and past trauma and abuse.

Camina Drummer is, frankly, very good at sex. 

She’s had plenty of varied experiences in her adult life; enough to know exactly how to use her hands and tongue and body strength to make any woman (or man, if the occasional fancy takes her) come undone. She prides herself on the knowledge that no one leaves her bed unsatisfied. 

What comes after sex, though, is another story entirely. 

It’s after the first time with Naomi; which was phenomenal and record setting and fuck-yes-let’s-do-this-again-yesterday, that Drummer realises she has very little experience with what should happen afterwards. 

Her other partners all come to her bed with the understanding that they will leave once the afterglow has worn off, and on the rare occasions where Drummer is the one doing the leaving, she doesn’t linger. Now that she and Naomi are… something, the situation has changed, and Drummer isn’t sure of the expectations. 

She lies stiffly by the edge of her narrow bunk, Naomi against her side. There isn’t enough room to lie without overlapping their bodies, so Naomi tucks her head into the crook of Drummer’s neck and lays her arm across Drummer’s chest. 

“Is this okay?” Naomi asks.

“Mmm,” is all Drummer manages, because Naomi’s voice is still distractingly drunk with sex, and Drummer is still trying to work out what to do with her hands. Naomi seems to expect some sort of mutual contact, and in this, at least, Naomi has had more practice than Drummer. Eventually, Drummer settles for resting her hand against Naomi’s wrist, and that seems enough to satisfy the need. 

They lie in silence for a while, and Drummer watches the rise and fall of Naomi’s back as she breathes. They have come close to death so many times, and the fact that Naomi is still drawing breath, that she is here in Drummer’s bed and in her arms, is something Drummer vows never to take for granted. 

She starts to drift off just as one of the fluorescent bulbs flickers overhead, jerking her back awake. 

“Ugh.” Naomi opens her eyes and glares up at the bulb as though it has done her a great personal wrong. “I could fix that.” 

“I’ll do it later,” Drummer says, not wanting to ask Naomi to repair something so trivial. In another life, Drummer may have become an engineer as well, but that door closed long ago. Any formal schooling had ended when her mother, Ava, was killed in a dock accident. Ava had loved her, Drummer is sure of that, but her mother was still a girl herself, with no choice but to work double shifts on the Ceres loading docks to scratch out a living for them both. Drummer had spent most of her childhood afternoons getting into fights with other local kids and stealing scraps from eateries. 

After her mother’s death, she had stayed in their apartment until the rent was due, then marched down to the docks and presented herself to the dodgiest looking foreman. She had sworn she was seventeen, nearly eighteen, and drawn herself up to her full height. There was no possible way he could have believed her, as she always was scrawny and short by Belter standards, but the accident had left the docks short staffed, and he didn’t look at her too closely.

She was still working on the docks years later when Dawes had found her drinking herself to death in some bar. He offered her whiskey, then offered her a job. He always did know exactly what to say to a smart but desperate girl.

“Hey.” Naomi smiles and presses a kiss to Drummer’s shoulder, jerking her out of the memories. “What are you thinking?” 

Drummer grunts. “Thinking I’ve got a cramp in my side.” 

Naomi rolls her eyes. “Real romantic, you are.” Her mouth quirks with sudden mischief. “Want me to kiss it better?” 

Without waiting for an answer, she scoots down the bed and ghosts her lips over Drummer’s ribs, follows the path of her abdominals and then kisses the curved tattoo across her waist. The soft touch is pleasant, right on the edge of ticklish, and Drummer arches her back as she shivers. 

Naomi catches Drummer’s eye and grins. She turns her attention back to Drummer’s tattoo, tracing the line with her tongue, and Drummer can’t help the groan that escapes her mouth. 

To her disappointment, Naomi looks up and rests her chin against Drummer’s stomach, but she runs her finger along the tattoo instead. “Is there a scar here?” 

“Got stabbed on Pallas,” Drummer murmurs. “Asshole tried to screw me over on a cargo deal.” 

“I bet that ended well for him.” 

Drummer shrugs. “I left him alive.” 

Naomi gives her a look which Drummer recognises as ‘I am taking none of your shit.’ To Drummer’s relief, Naomi casts her eyes down to Drummer’s skin again, teasing her fingers across Drummer’s stomach. 

She reaches the puckered line of Drummer’s old bullet wound and stops, a tiny crease appearing on her forehead. “You didn’t feel tempted to cover this one?” 

Drummer looks up at the low ceiling of her bunk, studies every tiny smudge and scratch visible in the pale light. “I keep that one to remind me. Don’t ever let down your guard.” 

Naomi lowers her head, slowly, and presses her lips to the scar. Drummer twitches with surprise at the touch. Goosebumps break out across her skin and her eyes flutter closed, her fingers clutching the thin sheets. 

When she finally looks up, Naomi is laughing. “Didn’t realise you’d like that so much.” 

“Neither did I,” Drummer admits. 

When did Naomi Nagata learn to grin so wickedly? “I guess I’ll have to keep investigating, then.” 

She slides her hand over Drummer’s hip this time, lingering over the tiny starburst there. “And this one?” 

“Shrapnel, dock explosion,” Drummer says, shakily. 

That scar earns a kiss as well. 

Drummer is sinking her head back into the pillow, happily anticipating where this seems to be going, when Naomi reaches the top of her left thigh. The touch sends a jolt rocketing through her, forcing the air from her lungs as she jerks her leg away. 

Naomi pulls back, eyes wide with shock and concern. “Did I hurt you?” 

Drummer manages to force out a “No… no,” but the room is plunged into ice and her limbs tremble, any trace of arousal evaporated. 

Drummer has always worn her scars as battle armour, the same way she wears her jumpsuit and her eye shadow and her gun. There’s never been any reason to feel embarrassed, most Belters have their share of scars, and besides, she looks damn good. 

But the scar on her leg isn’t clean, or discreet. It’s a pink and white mess stretching from her hip almost to the knee. It’s the ugly signature of hours spent crushed by machines, of the pain in her spine and the limp in her walk, of the mech legs she still needs on the days when the ache makes her want to scream. 

It was easy enough to ignore during sex, when she could focus on Naomi and on feeling fucking good for a change, but having Naomi look right at the damage is too much. 

Naomi’s voice breaks through the static in Drummer’s mind. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have... I shouldn’t have reminded you of it.” 

Drummer tries to shrug it off, to look anywhere but at Naomi’s face. “Not your fault. It is what is.”                                               

She doesn’t know how to say that this whole thing with Naomi leaves her feeling like she’s stuck in zero-g without straps or mag boots, trying to navigate the shifting walls. She can flirt and fuck with the best of them, but being with someone, really being _with_ someone, that is an unknown variable. The last person she loved was a girl back on Ceres, and to say that had ended badly would be an understatement. 

She reaches for Naomi and kisses her instead, lets her body say what her words cannot. 

When they break apart, Naomi’s eyes are suspiciously bright in the low light. “I almost lost you.” 

Drummer cups Naomi’s cheek, feels the soft skin beneath her fingers and tells herself that they are here, and this is real. “And I thought I’d lost you already.” 

Naomi gives her a quick kiss, then nestles down into the mattress and lays her head on Drummer’s chest. “I did underestimate you when I left the _Behemoth_ ,” she says. Drummer keeps very still. 

“When I was with…” Naomi takes a shuddering breath, “that man I told you about. I tried to get away. Many times. He would always find out, and stop me. Hurt me.” 

If Drummer ever meets this man, she will kill him. She suspects there would be a line. 

She slides an arm around Naomi and strokes her shoulder. Maybe it will give some sort of comfort. “You’ve got people who’ll look out for you now. People who trust you. Those people won’t trap you the way he did.” 

“I’m starting to know that.” Naomi folds her arms around Drummer’s and they just lie there, holding each other. It feels like safety. It feels like something that could be called home. 

“You know what I see,” Naomi says after a while, “when I look at this scar? I see a captain who was willing to sacrifice everything for her crew. I see a woman who makes tough decisions every day and doesn’t stop fighting. And I’m willing to bet other people see that too.” 

A tightness builds in Drummer’s chest, and she looks up at the ceiling again. Takes a breath. Does not let the tears fall. “You have a lot of faith in people.” 

Naomi hugs her tighter. “I didn’t always. But I’m learning. We can figure this out together.” 

At this moment, Drummer could almost believe her.


End file.
